Monthly Archives: July 2016

A healthy dose of religion


There are no signs on anyone’s home saying ‘Burglars, thieves, or other malefactors keep out’, that is implied. Still, some folks just don’t get it.

I was musing the other day about the various weapons for self defense one might have laying around the house, when it occurred to me that, if I was going to wallop someone with something, I would be inclined to reach for a bible.

Not one to take the written Word lightly, I am in no way, shape or form taking a cheap shot at my faith.

Cold, hard facts and some college physics will prove that the average hard covered bible is a formidable works, indeed. If you have one of the ‘unabridged’ versions, all the better to ‘bridge’ the gap between the enlightened and the unenlightened.

What better to smite someone with than the printed word of God? What more weighty tome to land upon some uninvited cretin than a collection of holy verse? How better to correct someone’s swerve off of the path of righteousness than a solid clocking with the good book?

Stick with me, here. Not only would you be delivering a concussive blow to the head, but you would be instilling a good dose of the Almighty in them. And well deserved, too. I believe that lambasting some intruder with a bible would be more than just the sum of it’s parts. Swing for the stands, good sir (or lady), confident that your strike will carry with it a charged bolt from above.

And don’t forget to follow through. Some folks just don’t get it on the first shot. A good follow up walloping, several in fact, will insure that the lesson was received and absorbed. No sense in hoping the message got through; ensure delivery and demand a receipt. Concentrate your lessons to the head and neck areas. That is where most learning is absorbed. You’ll know your job is complete when the schooled one has assumed the proper praying position on the floor.

For good measure, after the cops arrive, revive your catechist with a dose of holy water. ‘Bless them’, as you might, with a full glass pitcher. No, don’t dump it on them, swat them with the whole jug. Again, head/neck area.

Barring a good bible, I would reach for my Roget’s Thesaurus, another weighty hard covered collection of the spoken word.

(Yes, I do have a hard covered Roget’s Thesaurus. I am a writer, after all).

NOTEWORTHY: I don’t expect anyone to take any of this seriously. Should you find an intruder in your home, I would suggest an (un)healthy dose of hot lead, from a safe distance. Judging from all that I have read, it really gets the point across. Also, when in the process of assaulting another person for the sake of personal safety, the crotch area is quite a bit more sensitive than some ne’er-do-well’s thick skull.

Amen, my brothers and sisters.


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