Tag Archives: healthy

This stuff tastes like…

instantoatmeal1

 

I’m eating the oatmeal.

Instant, to be exact, and I don’t like it. I’d much prefer a fresh made ham, cheese and egg sandwich, but I’m trying to eat healthy, so I’m eating something that is purported to scrub the arteries as opposed to slathering them with gunk.

But I don’t like it.

I am sitting at my desk – eating ‘al desko’ as its termed. This is instant oatmeal, surely one of the lowest forms of the stuff. About the only level below this is a generic brand. To be fair, it is cinnamon flavored, which is only a rung or two higher than the detested ‘maple and brown sugar’ variety, or any of those ‘fruit and cream’ concoctions they purvey.

More or less freeze-dried yakk, if you ask me. Just add warm water. (You know, yakk…don’t make me add synonyms, please…)

Losing weight? I doubt it. The beer counters that effort. Satiated? Not hardly, but at least I’m not nauseas from hunger.

Yeah, yeah, I know, there are poor people who would gladly take my cup of crap.
If there was a way to get it to them, right now, they could have it while it is still warm.

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Blow it out yer ass

Ok, give me about an hour…

prune

I’ve heard the ‘eat more fiber’ speech for most of my life and, for the most part, I do.  I have no problem with bran muffins, oatmeal, or salads.  I eat a lot of them.  They keep the pipes clear and help to fill me guts at mealtime.

The big pharma companies would rather you popped one of their over sized and over priced pills every morning.  Then time your day to coincide with an urgent and catastrophic washroom visitation later on.

Me, I take enough pills just trying to keep on an even keel.  I don’t need to gag down some compressed wad of hay, saw dust and shredded grocery bags just to keep me regular.

Prunes are the inside joke amongst the aged, but they may well be a better alternative to pill or liquid form laxatives.  I’ve been told that fresh figs are a fair alternative, but I don’t  imbibe in them, so it’s just hearsay at this point.

I do, however, eat prunes and let me tell you, just a few of those sweet, little chewy black gems can get things moving along just fine.  There’s no need to eat a whole box or package, unless you are the kind of person who enjoys long and frequent bowl sessions.

I, myself, am not such a person, despite what you may have heard.

But Bird, what if there is already a blockage at the toll booth?  What then?

How about a couple of flaming hot cups of full strength COFFEE? That shiite is like two state trooper cruisers with full lights and sirens screaming down the road.  It scares the bowels into movement and clears the roadway, sometimes with urgent and bombastic results.

Of course, there is the ubiquitous prune juice.  The standard bowel flusher for those who can’t masticate a regular prune proper.  Again, not something I have any prior experience with, so I will just let that one be, for now.

It stinks that we even have to know about such business.  But we humans tend to put a lot of crap into our mouths, and in quantities that the rest of the organization doesn’t much care for.

Sometimes the offensive load is rejected by customs right at the first warehouse and sent back the way it came FOB/Post Haste.  Hey, no one that I know likes to purge out the intake chute, but let me tell you, it sure beats suffering through severe abdominal cramps for hours.

Other times it gets processed through the system only to foul up the works later on.  That is when the Purple Prune grenade comes into play.  Pull the pin, let the handle fly and don’t plan any long meetings for the next couple of hours.


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