Tag Archives: safety

The Bee Zoofer

Necessity is the mother of invention.


The yellow zap icon indicates where the entrance to the hive is


And what a mother it can be.

I try to keep the compound safe for myself and others. I am watchful for hazards and remediate them as quickly as possible. I was sizing up this big arborvitae that needed some trimming when I noticed a yellow-jacket hive beneath the lower branches.

As I have mentioned elsewhere in this blog, (Bumbles) I dislike flying, stinging insects. Judging by the location of the nest, I could easily see myself getting stung (perhaps multiple times) while mindlessly cutting the grass. Or worse, one of my children or grandchildren suffering the same.

Yikes. No bueno.

I began with standard eradication methods – soaking the entrance hole with a couple of gallons of water-based insecticide. After a few days I could see that wasn’t having the desired effect. Not enough bees were contacting the poison and the leaf litter was sponging up the deadly liquid before it reached the core of the nest.

How could I ambush (bushwhack) the little bastards on their entrance/exit without standing there all damn day?

Enter The Bee Zoofer. (patent pending).

The Bee Zoofer  is a shop vacuum set strategically at the entrance to the bee hive. As each individual bee either exits and tries to take flight, or hovers in for a landing, it gets caught in the suction and…zzz-ZZOOOF! gets sucked into the vacuum. Neat, clean and effortless. The captured bees are bounced around violently inside the vacuum drum, which I believe kills them quickly. To be sure, however, I leave the vacuum alone for a few days before emptying it out, just to be certain.

The most difficult part of deploying the Bee Zoofer is the proper placement of the business end. You need to place the nozzle right beside the entrance hole. That can be a touchy proposition with the rapid comings and goings of an active hive. Once in place, however, you just press the ‘ON’ button and walk away. Of course, it is entertaining enough to watch, for a little while.

Initially, I left the Bee Zoofer running for about 3 hours. Activity in and around the nest certainly slowed down, but the next day it was back to pre-Zoofer levels. I then ran the Zoofer for two sessions of 2 hours each (to allow the shop vac to cool down). Again, activity slowed to nill.

My aim was to reduce the population of bees until the hive could no longer support itself and collapse. Surely any bees that were left are coming back to an empty nest. I could picture their reaction –

But that wasn’t the case. Either the hive was much larger than I thought, or bee reproduction was ramped up to meet demand. So I turned on the Bee Zoofer and procured a long pole and proceeded to poke at the nest from afar. This produced the desired effect of an attack, which also put many more bees into the suction flow. (Full disclosure – I got stung once, on my arm. Aparantly one of the little bastards avoided getting sucked in and went on a large, circular hunt that ended with me. That is what you get from farking with a bee hive).



A healthy dose of religion


There are no signs on anyone’s home saying ‘Burglars, thieves, or other malefactors keep out’, that is implied. Still, some folks just don’t get it.

I was musing the other day about the various weapons for self defense one might have laying around the house, when it occurred to me that, if I was going to wallop someone with something, I would be inclined to reach for a bible.

Not one to take the written Word lightly, I am in no way, shape or form taking a cheap shot at my faith.

Cold, hard facts and some college physics will prove that the average hard covered bible is a formidable works, indeed. If you have one of the ‘unabridged’ versions, all the better to ‘bridge’ the gap between the enlightened and the unenlightened.

What better to smite someone with than the printed word of God? What more weighty tome to land upon some uninvited cretin than a collection of holy verse? How better to correct someone’s swerve off of the path of righteousness than a solid clocking with the good book?

Stick with me, here. Not only would you be delivering a concussive blow to the head, but you would be instilling a good dose of the Almighty in them. And well deserved, too. I believe that lambasting some intruder with a bible would be more than just the sum of it’s parts. Swing for the stands, good sir (or lady), confident that your strike will carry with it a charged bolt from above.

And don’t forget to follow through. Some folks just don’t get it on the first shot. A good follow up walloping, several in fact, will insure that the lesson was received and absorbed. No sense in hoping the message got through; ensure delivery and demand a receipt. Concentrate your lessons to the head and neck areas. That is where most learning is absorbed. You’ll know your job is complete when the schooled one has assumed the proper praying position on the floor.

For good measure, after the cops arrive, revive your catechist with a dose of holy water. ‘Bless them’, as you might, with a full glass pitcher. No, don’t dump it on them, swat them with the whole jug. Again, head/neck area.

Barring a good bible, I would reach for my Roget’s Thesaurus, another weighty hard covered collection of the spoken word.

(Yes, I do have a hard covered Roget’s Thesaurus. I am a writer, after all).

NOTEWORTHY: I don’t expect anyone to take any of this seriously. Should you find an intruder in your home, I would suggest an (un)healthy dose of hot lead, from a safe distance. Judging from all that I have read, it really gets the point across. Also, when in the process of assaulting another person for the sake of personal safety, the crotch area is quite a bit more sensitive than some ne’er-do-well’s thick skull.

Amen, my brothers and sisters.

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